Mutterings and utterings of a budding novelist

Anything but dreadful!

Welcome to the personal blog of Kenny Dreadful, aka Ken Dawson. A lover of books, illustration, graphic design, personal development, law of attraction and anything that makes this world a better place! Thanks for visiting :)

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Fears of a New World

It’s been so long since I wrote in the blog, but I feel now is a good time for a new entry.
So, Covid-19 – it’s something that’s touched the entire planet. And I’ve no need to explain why. We all know the statistics, the symptoms, and the pain it’s caused.
I’ve also no need to talk about any strategies or routines to get through it. Whatever I say, has been said a million times already.

What I can say though – is that it’s ok to be scared during these times. Humans have always feared the unknown; it’s in our nature. We’ve cemented and anchored our lives to a paradigm that barely shifts. We go about our day, fully secure that no matter what events or circumstances befall us, we have a fixed background to base our lives against. If we lose a job, we can always find another. If we lose a loved one, we can find comfort in our friends and family. And if we see tradgedies around the world, we know the world will inevitably mourn, cope, and move on. Even those fleeing warzones rely on the stability of the rest of the world to help them find refuge. Life goes on, and despite the odd blip and bump, the way will smooth out, and carry on as it has before.

Covid-19 is different though. It struck the entire world so hard and fast that we barely had chance to prepare and comprehend what was happening. Some countries were hit harder than others, but all were affected in some way. The planet ground to a halt and waited with baited breath, hoping that the pandemic would quietly pass without causing too much damage.

Governments tried their best to organise their countries, strategically attempting to curb the virus as best they could. These were unknown waters, and those that stayed high and dry were praised, and those that got it wrong and floundered were beset by outrage. But to predict such outcomes were difficult, if not impossible. Geography, culture, and population variations, amongst other factors seperated each country, meaning a course of action that worked in one place wouldn’t work somewhere else.

And now the populous hides, told to stay indoors and wait out the uncertainty.

As I type this, the sun beams outside, belying what lingers in the air.
People are frightened.
People are scared everything they have worked hard for is slowly dissolving before their eyes.
People are unable to pay bills, having lost their jobs, or being unable to work.
People are losing loved ones, unable to be with them in their final moments.
People are on the verge of starvation.
People are missing those closest to them, only slightly delayed by phone calls and facetiming.

And you know what?
That’s ok.

It’s ok to be afraid and sad.

It’s ok to worry about what’s to come.

And it’s ok to lose hope.

Because that’s in our nature. Uncertainty terrifies us.

But that uncertainty can also be full of hope.
Great things can come from despair.
Because humanity is also resiliant.
We’ve proved time and time again we can endeavour and triumph.
The pandemic will pass. It won’t be our end. We’ve broken through deadlier ones before.
We will go outside, and breathe in a cleaner world, rich with life and hope.
We will learn to make money once more. But it won’t dominate our lives as it once did.
We will interact more with our neighbours and smile at strangers.
We won’t take for granted seeing and hugging our friends and family.
We will respect the fragility of the planet, and look after it more.
We will spend more time with the people we love, and not slaving our lives away for money.
Because we fought this battle together, and together we will win.
Nothing unites us more than a struggle.

Sometimes we need the foundations of our lives ripping down, in order to rebuild better and stronger.

So be scared if you need to. But also know things won’t always be this way.

Things will get better.
A brighter dawn is approaching.

Be safe, and be happy.

This is for all my friends and family who are worrying at this time.
I love and miss you all so much. And you’re all in my thoughts.
I’ll see you all soon. Look after yourselves.

Ken xx

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A Message To My Friends

Life can be tough – it’s a known fact.
It can pull us down, twist us, break us, and crush us.
And just one simple decision can send us on a path of pain and sadness.
But even down the darkest roads lay a glimmer of light.

We are friends, and I want you to know I am always here for you.
And I know you’re there for me too.
We must never forget to ask each other for help when we need it.
We must never be so proud that we can’t admit we are low.

We may make fun of each other, and banter until we cry with laughter.
But this must still be tempered with warmth and love.
Otherwise friendship can decay under the weight of solely harsh words.

Even though we may not see each other often, or only speak on occasion,
I am still your friend.
And time nor distance has no bearing on this friendship.
Little changes when we do reunite.

Even so, we must take great effort to keep making memories.
And always have events to look forward to.
Photos must be taken, and cherished for a lifetime.
Simple coffee breaks, to parties and holidays.
Each meeting must be special and unique.

We are friends, and I want you to know I am always here for you.
My door is always open. The kettle is always ready to pour.
And I am always ready to listen with a sympathetic ear.

Too often we are reminded that this world connects us in more and more ways,
yet only seems to push us apart further and further.
We must remind ourselves that our online lives are an illusion.
They are a condensed persona we display after scrubbing away the dirt.

As time pushes on, we must bridge the gaps that seperate us,
and reminisce about the journeys life has taken us.
Life is truly beautiful, and we share this part of history with many people.
Of all the years mankind has existed, we are lucky to share this time with those we love.

We must realise that each and every one of will face tough times at some point.
To be human is to feel the full gamut of emotions.
From the deepest lows, to the soaring highs, I want to share them all with you.

For we are friends, and I am always here for you.

 

xx

 

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Visited by Demons?

Everyone knew about the ghost in the nightblub I worked in. Tiles had gone under many names over the years, but the bar itself was largely untouched. As well as reputedly being the longest marble bar in the UK (or was it Europe?), it could be clearly seen where the divisions of first, second, and third class once were. The Victorian look of the venue gave it a unique, look – beautiful yet forgotten, almost decaying in some regards. During the years me and my friends worked there, there were the assortment of strange events. Phone ringing internally on their own, disembodied laughter, figures appearing both sides of the bar, unexplained footsteps coming from the dancefloor in plain sight, keyfobs being pulled, and doors closing on their own.
But all these events can probably be explained away by the more skeptical and easily dismissed. And I could probably agree with them.

But one event in my life, I still today have no explaination, and even today I struggle putting it down to imagination or lack of sleep etc.
Around the age of 23 I began writing a screenplay for a project called ‘Last Battle’.
It involved a young man called Richard Crowell – successful in both his personal and professional life. Yet when he is tragically killed in a car crash, he awakes in the realm of Heaven in a kind of hospital. Noticing everyone appears sombre, and all are looking at him with suspicion and sadness, he enquires to a nurse. He is then told that Hell has finally amassed enough souls to stage an full on invasion of Heaven, and it is he who (for better or worse) is prophecised to determine the outcome of the war.

Now Hell has appeared in a few works of mine, and I find it as a playground for my imagination to conjur up various monsters. As a Pagan, my non-belief of Hell helps in this. But ‘Last Battle’ was different, and required approaching with care and authenticity. I researched for months, delved into works ranging from the Old Testament to the Divine Comedy. I wanted to give character to angels and demons alike and flesh them out in ways that felt correct.
Since the script involved the War of Angels – where Lucifer and his minions fell from grace, I needed to research this. This was largely before the internet was a valuable source of information (Wikipedia wasn’t a thing at this point), and I could only scour what books I could find. Thankfully my father is a big occult fan and this meant he had tons of material to delve into.
Some sources say one third of Heaven fell in the War – approximately 130,000 angels. So whilst this number of characters is absurd to write about, I landed on 13 instead, and used the works of Jacques Collin de Plancy, the books of Solomon and various other dark texts to breathe life into these 13 fallen angels and demons.

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From the works of DePlancy

Sat at night in my father’s attic office I was scribbling down names, signals and symbols in order to develop the characters. Now looking back I think I was naive and silly to be dabbling in things I clearly didn’t understand, yet onwards I went!
Suddenly, I noticed I could see my breath. The room had become VERY cold, and had taken on a bluish, oppressive look. But this was late Spring, and had been a warm day. I became aware of what felt like a thousand eyes watching me; as if I was writing on a stage. Intrigued witnesses were peering over my shoulder at what I was penning. Icy chills ran down my spine. Whatever was in that attic with my didn’t feel human (or former human) at all! I’ve never felt fear like that before and I did wonder if what I was doing was a good idea at all.

I grabbed my Encylopedia of Angels and began frantically scribbling out the names of the Angels on a fresh page. Michael, Gabriel, Uriel, Auriel – you know, the more famous ones. Gradually, the room seemed to warm up again, and the dull blue tinge brightened into a warm glow again. My breath vanished, and the watchful eyes seemed to melt away.

Now like I say, this all could be just an overimaginative imagination – and as the years go on, I conclude this more and more.
But at the time it seemed so real and visceral, and felt so…unknown.

The time is coming when I will rewrite this story, but in novel format. And once again I’ll be dragging out those occult books again.
Maybe this time I’ll take precautions.

Anyone know a priest?

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Infernal pact.

My own Battle Angel

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Angel vs Sin and Punishment

With Alita: Battle Angel coming out next month, and getting very excited about it, I thought I’d share my own homage to the character Alita (or Gally as she’s also knows). After seeing the original anime when I was 17 I was an instant fan.
Then whilst at uni, we were to develop a plasticine model with an armature skeleton. But we had to pull the character from two extremely different subjects. It wasn’t hard for me to land on a robot angel.

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Sketch for my armature at uni – around 2000

So of course Angel was born. And not long after I decided to add her to my stories. With my fantasy books – ‘Phoenix’ she slot into the story easily. One of the antogonists – Friegh Majenti decided to build an assasination droid and, preying the Phoenix Sorcerer – Katrina Zoana’s willingness to accept any person into her clan whatever their race or background, he built Angel to prey on her psychologically. Basing her on his own daughter Angelia as well as a race of ill-fated silicon humans from the planet Vyse, he designed Angel to gain Katrina’s trust in order to get close enough to assassinate through an assortment of weaponary hidden on her (including a Guyver-esque Mega Smasher type attack). But during programming, Freigh gave the droid benevolent emotions. Inevitably Angel refused to carry out the orders given to her, forcing Freigh to layer a basic AI over the top and send her out on her mission, using brute force rather than cloak and dagger tactics.

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Very old sketch – around 2001

After being defeated by the Phoenix Sorcerer, her temporary AI broke and she returned to the kind, sweet droid. Sensing her true nature, Katrina accepted the droid and she became part of the fight against Majenti. Over time she would learn many skills into multiple martial art forms, clairvoyance, and even build her own droid Seraphim.

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Another old sketch around 2002

Angel appears in everything I’ve ever written. and if I can’t put her in as a robot, she appears as a pink or dark red-haired girl.
She has also led me to create other versions of her (or other ‘Sisters of Vyse’) who were built to kill her.

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All the Sisters of Vyse

Looking back from the initial image of her, it’s crazy to see how far that sketch developed.

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Wings open – Boom! But renders her depleted of energy.

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Angel and Seraphim

 

A ‘Mental’ New Year Ahead

And so tonight these long nights take their strongest turn of the year and begin to recede once more in favour of warmer sunny days. This year for us Brits has been a unique one – having one of the hottest Summers on record coupled with an extrarodinary performance from our lads in the world cup (making for great pub visits!), another Prince got married, a Princess got married, wildfires spread, we celebrated 100 years since the first world scuffle ended, watched in awe as offended levels grew to extreme new heights when someone uttered the words ‘stupid woman’ in Parliament, and some bloke swam around the entire UK, all whilst that dreaded ‘B’ word hung in the distance.

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Now 2018 is drawing to a close, and many of us are quietly wondering what an uncertain 2019 will bring? Will our leaving of the EU come and go without barely a whisper? Will we be sent into wrack and ruin? Or will there be a second referendum happening, and bring the whole thing to a grinding halt? Who knows?

But whether or not our government proceeds with our first uneducated answer (seriously – the day we voted to leave, a friend of mine who’s British born, but whose heritage is Pakistani was screamed at in the street by and old man “We voted to leave, now get out of our country!” Get a grip and an education you dumb old shit!) we should still be optimistic.

More and more it’s doom and gloom being shown by the media, and thus it’s no wonder mental health problems are on the rise. It’s hard to stay happy when Theresa May acts like a broken guffawing record – “The people voted to leave, so we will deliver on that vote.” In other words “You asked for this shitstorm, and whether or not it’s what you envisaged, you’re gonna deal with it!”

But there is a light! More than ever, mental health awareness is becoming bigger everyday, and the words ‘Man-up’ are becoming less prevalent than ever. And rightly so. With over 200 classified forms of mental illness, it can reveal itself in many ways. As someone who has had loved ones deal with mental issues, it’s important to know and understand the signs before it’s too late.

So going into the new year:

  • Be unwavering in your kindness to others.
  • Give love and respect to everyone, even if they mistreat you. You have absolutely no idea what they are going through. Your kindess could be just the thing they need.
  • Keep an eye on your friends and family. Notice usual changes in their behaviour, such as withdrawing from the world. Smiles can hide a soul screaming for help.
  • Always have time for others. You have no idea what five minutes, a cup of tea, and a sympathetic ear can do for a person’s well-being.
  • Recognise the beauty and colour in the world. Just because good things don’t get reported (an understatement if ever there was one!) doesn’t mean they aren’t happening all the time.
  • Remain in the now – don’t fall into always remembering the past, or worry about the future. Only the ‘now’ matters.
  • Breathe deeply and rejoice in the gift of life today. Tomorrow is not guaranteed to anyone.
  • Don’t put things off. Forgive easily. Love with an open heart. And never leave until tomorrow what can be said today. You might not get the chance.
  • Help others and give generously, even when they have no way of repaying you.
  • And no matter what, take everything within your stride. I’ve seen people with the worst luck in their lives, yet they remain happy. It’s not the circumstances which determine your happiness; it’s your reaction to them.

I’m proud of my nation. In the past we’ve stood battered and bruised in the face of a supposedly undefeatable enemy and screamed defiantly we would never ever surrender. Now that enemy has taken another form and it’s coming from within. By raising each other up, we enrich the whole country, and make us stronger and more resiliant to this threat.

So as the days begin to get brighter, and Friday the 29th March 2019 grows ever closer amid the chaotic death knells inside the Houses of Parliament, we need to realise it’s us as a people that have the strength to carry on and perservere. To keep pushing on regardless of the outcome next year. Keep the peace alive, keep the hope glowing, and let’s remember why we have the word ‘Great’ at the start of out nation’s name.

Much love to you all.

Have an amazing Christmas (or Yule, or whatever you celebrate), and a fantastic New Year!

xx

 

Footnote: This post pretty much came out of nowhere. I feel I needed to write about the worries of some of my friends and clients, as well as the impact it’s having on the mental health of people. This and the fact this unique year is growing to a close. I did initially start writing about my own experiences of this year, but felt that was a bit boring.

‘Lucifer, when this is all over, I’ll finally have the gift to go that realm, tear down the pillars of Heaven, and drag the bloodied carcass of that God from his celestial throne.’

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New chapter here. 🙂 War is coming from all angles now.
When I started writing this I wasn’t sure whether to include the Heaven/Hell aspects as I’d done that already with Last Battle. But it feels right to include it now.

DISCLAIMER: As always this tale is a first draft. It’s unchecked, unedited, and is pretty much as raw as I can type. Hence why it’s free. So no pointing out mistakes please! Cheers!

Being a Crappy Pagan

October is only a couple of hours away. And with this month brings the beloved Halloween. Or as some like myself call it – Samhain! And it’s a further reminder that I myself, am a crap Pagan!

As we move through life, it’s inevitable our beliefs and faith changes, depending on circumstances and events that unfold. Religion is always a taboo subject; something we’re taught never to bring up in conversation, in order to avoid arguments and confrontation. I however, have always been fascinated and respectful of the beliefs of others, and will often ask questions about it if the other person is open about such things. Recently, a new friend of mine told me she was Zoroastrian – a religion I’d never heard of before, and yet it’s one of the oldest, originating in Iran around 3600 years ago.

As for me, I was always told I was raised Christian. And although I’d been baptised, it wasn’t until I reached my late teens did I realise that wasn’t the case. My mother came from a highly Spiritualised family. Her side was full of talks of ghosts, spirits, sightings, reincarnation, clairvoyancy, and the love from beyond the grave. They even had a family medium. I think her name was Mrs Oxley. I can recall cassette tapes of family members sat with her and other mediums, talking about messages from the other side. It was wonderful to grow up this way, as I felt that people who had passed, weren’t really gone. They could simply be contacted through a tape recorder!

My father’s side were a bit more mysterious. I remember as a child, my father kept a metal tin made for playing cards, and inside were a pack of tarot. The Versailes pack which he had painted himself. As I grew up, I’d see more and more books and trinkets relating to witchcraft, the occult, astrology, and various other pagainstic things appear in the house. In fact, my dad even looks a bit like Aleister Crowley himself!

I never knew where he got this fascination from (in fact Dad, if you’re reading this, tell me!). His mother, my grandmother was a child of nature – a beautiful soul who would take me and my sister on long country walks through fields and forests whenever she and my grandfather babysat for us. She would know the names of every plant and flower, and of every tree. She would collect bushels of branches and flowers, and bags of blackberries on our mini expeditions, often banging into people walking by with her collections. She adored the outdoors and was akin to an elderly Snow White. Nature indeed loved her. She often remarked she felt she’d been dunked as a witch in a former life, and looking back, with her knowledge of old wives tales, and insistance of having the house decorated with all manner of flora, I can see it was probably true.

As I grew up and left school, I would read through all my dad’s books on paganism and Wicca, and I felt more in tune with those beliefs, specifically Celtic Paganism. In time my father would surround himself with a group of friends whom all followed this path, and many became a good source of information. Eventually I created my own visualisation which I ran through every night for many many years. I would wear a crow around my neck for the figure Morrigan. I was quite a timid child growing up, and this mythological being inspired courage and bravery. I think this is where my love for birds and phoenixes originated, and even now I’ll be fully aware when a crow lands nearby.

Nowadays I’m pretty crap at following the sabbats and rituals of the Wiccan ways. Of course I’ll think to myself “Oh! Today is Imbolc!” and then go on my way. I do however keep my own beliefs and principles. Most of which originate somewhat from this old religion. Some people may scoff at some of these, and I respect their opinion. I would never argue their views on them.

  • I believe the Earth is a living, sentient presence, which rhymically breathes, and is aware of what’s happening to it.
  • I believe plants and wildlife are the same, each having thoughts and emotions, and responding to their environments.
  • I belief in being respectful to all people and creatures, and having respect to their opinions and own beliefs.
  • I believe in doing what we please, as long it harms no other.
  • I believe there is a massive intelligient energy which governs absolutely everything. Something we as humans cannot fully comprehend. Some religions put a face, or many faces to this energy, and call it god, etc. I prefer to call it the Universe.
  • I believe this energy is neither good nor evil, yet can be swayed to bring about changes in our lives as desired.
  • I believe we are all responsible for our lives, and must work hard to be the best we can be.
  • I believe we are simply a mind swimming around in a mass of jumbled up energy. Our brains act as a translator, taking some of this energy and deciphering it to make it understandable to us. It adds form, colour, and other aspects we all collectively agree on. If you think about it, all we are seeing is a cinema screen at the back of our brains.
  • I believe we return here many times through many lives. And we choose what experiences we are to have before we arrive. I must admit though I sometimes struggle with this concept. As who would choose some of the suffering and pain we see in the world today.
  • I believe our soul can divide and come from a larger version of ourselves on another plane of existence (like a central hub). Thus we can be here as various animals and other people at the same time. This would account for the fact there are more people alive today, than has been in all of history. I got this concept from the Seth Speaks books and it’s always stuck with me.
  • I believe we harmonise with what we give out. Be what you want to see in the world.
  • I believe the universe speaks to us all through symbols, events, people we meet, and slight nudges we receive. The more we are open to such things, the more we are pushed towards our greatest experience.
  • I believe there is more to history than we are told. I believe there’s many civilisations that existed way beyond what we thought. I believe there’s rich knowledge lost throughout the ages and we’re only just beginning to discover these things again. I also believe this is being held back from us by certain powers.
  • I believe humanity is on the whole good, and we must not believe the world is becoming a crueler place.
  • I believe in being kind to everyone and everything we meet. We’re not here for a long time. I believe being kind and sending out love is the key to being happy.

There’s obviously more, but I think these are the main principles I go by. I will eventually write down the visualisation I followed for many years.

Looking back, I do believe the combination of Spiritualistic and Paganism growing up have made me who I am. Those close to me will say I’m an unusual person. Maybe weird? Maybe unique (a nicer way of being called weird)? But I think it’s made me stable, happy, fully confident in my own abilities, respectful, passionate, hard-working, unafraid to give myself fully to others, and able to practice kindness to everyone I meet. It may not be the most orthodox of upbringings, but it’s one I’m lucky to have, and one I’d never change.

Love to you all as always 😀 xx

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